The last two weeks have been up and down for me. I have been finding it difficult to get out and get to the gym to do my proposed work out regime. I now realize, my main motivation for going to the gym in the past was to maintain my weight. Now that I am trying to gain weight (still a weird concept for me to comprehend) it’s has been really tough to motivate myself get there. Especially when it’s -20 degrees celsius below with a wind chill that makes it feel like -30. Oh, and when take my gym clothes from the trunk of my car to the change room, it’s like putting on a suit made of ice. I am not doing so well with my work out plans. I am hoping once the weather gets nicer, I’ll get back outside and start jogging a little.
I am also noticing things in my every day life that will have to change post surgery. I have a fairly busy schedule at work, moving from patient to patient. Mobilize this joint, check out someone else’s exercise, talk to another patient who has a question about progress, do some paperwork, run to the washroom…maybe. It’s pretty much non-stop and majority of the days are 8+ hours with the longest being 11. I have one lunch break during the day. Most of the time, snacking is done on the fly and very fast. I have mastered eating lunch in 10 minutes. This all will have to change. I have discussed with my mom (who underwent prophylactic gastrectomy in 2009) about this, and we have decided that nuts will be come my new best friend. I will keep this clean and not insert a joke here. I also worry about dumping syndrome while working, but this will be something I’ll just have to try avoid and adapt.
When it comes to grocery shopping and eating out, I know this will change. Before I was diagnosed with the cancer, Brandon and I tried not to eat out too often because we know it adds up over time. However, I’ve stopped caring about this we are eating out about once a week. We’ve decided the money we spend on eating out now will be saved on grocery bills/future restaurant bills for the few months after surgery. I’ll become a cheap date! In April as I lead up to the surgery, I am sure I am going to splurge on all the best foods. How many times in your life do you get to say, ‘I’m trying to gain weight’.
On clothing: it saddens me to look at my clothing collection and not know what will or will not fit me after surgery. I know that things won’t fit afterwards which is upsetting but on the plus side, I’ll get to go shopping for a whole new wardrobe. I remember my mom passing a lot of clothing down to me when she was changing sizes. I acquired a lot of awesome work clothes out of it. However, soon I too will be passing down these things. Again, fingers crossed I won’t have to replace my lululemon and under armor gear!!
The waiting game is hard and your mind can play brutal tricks on you. I have always suffered from heart burn, so now when I get episodes of heart burn (which is about 5/7 days of the week), I get worried that it’s the cancer getting worse. I also suffer from indigestion, which also is nothing new, but scarier now. I know that the odds of me having worse cancer are really low, but it’s still hard to just ignore all the symptoms and not thing twice about them all. Also, my mom’s father passed away at 30 with this disease. I keep reassuring myself that if it was a bigger deal, the gastroenterologist wouldn’t have let me go to Japan and I would have had my surgery sooner.
It is a weird thing to say but I am actually looking forward to having my stomach removed. It is unfortunate that it has to be done, but I’d rather have it taken care and know it has no chance of spreading vs. playing russian roulette. Knowing that I have cancer right now (even though it isn’t likely spreading anywhere else) is scary. Every week that passes is one more week closer to having a peaceful mind without stomach cancer.
At this point, I’d like to give a shout out to my fellow CDH1 bloggers who help keep things real. Here’s to Kate who had her stomach removed a couple of weeks ago as well as Steve who will be having his total gastrectomy on Thursday. Also, shout out to Rachel who was in the similar boat as myself (cancer found in Nov and had her gastrectomy Dec 2013) and Marne who is 9 months post op today!!